Wanting to be destroyed

1. Father God I know You hate me like hate myself but please make a perfect person. I hate many aspects of myself (not talking heights or looks) & don't like how mum is upset about me regarding certain things and the fact that I'm a careless bitch (e.g. talking with my mum twice on 21-08-2022 and falling out with her on 11-05-2023 about something I've been doing). 2. Father, I know You love my mum and siblings more than me but please help us as a family to pay attention to each other's feelings, realize each other's shortcomings and work together better. As I have said in recent prayer requests, I don't want it to be a case of someone not missing the other due to not being kind. 3. Father, please help me realize the good in being made redundant in March 2022 (e.g. being able to spend time with You and being spoilt by many open churches during the week). 4. Father, either help me to accept that it is Your will for mum, Demi and I to be fighting or help us become the best of friends together with the rest of our family. 5. Father, I know You hate me but please help me and my family to become better communicators and to tell each other everything. 6. Father, I know You hate me as I hate myself but please help me to be perfect especially for mum and Demi and in terms of controlling my thoughts, behaviour and feelings when I'm outside (e.g. on 25-09-2022 when I went out and 2 people reported me to mum to extent that I didn't want to follow her to my aunt's house in Swanley). 7. Father, I know You love mum more than me and hate me but either help mum to understand me when I want to give her a kiss kiss or hug or heal my lips so that I will stop doing my mouth as if I want to kiss something or someone or use flavoured lip balm when my lips aren't dry. I wish I could cope better with my emotional, behavioral and mental health but mum forgets about my shortcomings thanks to seizures as a child. 8. Father, please bless people like Mrs G, Mrs T, Dawn, Mr Y, Great Power Tabernacle and countless others who are making my life more liveable (e.g. fellow Christians I can talk to). 9. Father, I know You don't like me as much as you love mum and some others but please help me find a way of agreeing with someone or having a discussion without me referring to the past; I hate it when people cut me off and don't allow me to finish what I want to say (like on 25 October before Rishi's speech, I felt like you sided mum and I'm still feeling defeated because I didn't get enough time to calm down). 10. Father, please help me to be relaxed when I am around mum and certain relatives especially at the table as sometimes they can be my best friends and I hate it when her and some others worry about or fail to understand me well. 11. Father, I know You hate me but please give all men the spirit of love so that violence against women can stop once and for all. 12. Father, I know You don't like me as much as some others but please make mum, my family friends and loved ones to stop rushing Ade and bestie. I wish I was more normal to the extent that I won't be thinking of how upset me and Demi will be. Also, I need a bit more time to pray for coping skills when the bombshell is dropped. 13. Father, if it is Your will that mum, Demi and family move to Milan, please let it be done otherwise help her to become a more loving sister and mother that accepts my apology and understands my feelings (e.g. on 30-11-2022 when she unknowingly upset me and I wanted to say sorry and again on 12.12.22 when mum upset me greatly). 14. Father, I know You don't like me as much as some others but please show me where and how I can change my name because I don't feel like my given name many times (e.g. on 17-12-2022, I felt like I'm Ichabod after fighting with my mum for the second time in a week and other times, I relate to the 4 girls in the first episode of My New Best Friend) 15. Father, I know You hate me but please bless the living composers (e.g. Howard Goodall, Douglas Wagner, etc) who not only compose and arrange, but have also been kind enough to reply to my messages. 16. Father, please either make Demi and mum read my notes and accept my apology or destroy me since I am sometimes a burden to You and the family. 17. Father, I know You hate me sometimes but please help me to differentiate between the right and wrong people to talk to when I fall out with a family member (e.g. 2 weeks before mum and I travelled, my sister's husband didn't care about how I felt and in the 3rd week in April, a church member didn't care or fully understand me) 18. Father, please destroy anger in our lives so that dad can start travelling with us at this stage of his life, I won't feel the need to revenge mum and my siblings and brother in law can stop fighting with me over petty things. Help us to stop being touchy and become more sensitive to others' feelings. 19. Father, please give me the grace to not think too deep about things to the extent that mum thinks that I am thinking too much about the past. 20. Father, I know you hate me but please give my brother in law and some members of my family the chance to settle in Milan near my brother and partner; I hate it when I try to explain something and then I feel defeated and misunderstood. It doesn't feel right to be fighting with family members especially when family units get smaller and we all age. 21. Father, please stop people from killing themselves as I sometimes wonder why You allow some people to do so and not others. 22. Father, please help me to think twice or more before I do or say things and to be better organized; if I didn't leave the carrier bag downstairs and where my hateful mum can see it, we wouldn't have fallen out as what I have been doing is between me and You. 23. Father, I know You hate me like I sometimes hate myself but please make me perfect to the extent that (a) I will have a better dress sense and up to mum's standards (b) I will be able to control my autistic nephews better (c) I will be giving answers that my brother can accept. Alternatively, please replace me and give my family a more perfect family member. 24. Father, I know You hate me like I hate myself but please destroy me because (a) I am a careless bitch (b) You love powerful parents more than their less powerful children (e.g. in my case) (c) You don't respect confidentiality. 25. Serenity prayer